The Psychology Of A Mean Girl

Could it be true that the psychology of a mean girl is the Instinct or Evolutionary Theory?

Darwin’s theory of natural selection, paints the picture of human traits that appear more attractive and adaptable.  

We tend as humans to be biologically directed to go after people and things that will create a better chance of survival.  There is also Extrinsic Motivators.  They are rewards that are produced from the environment from our accomplishments.  They include; money, grades, revenge, performance, beauty, and resources.  There are also Intrinsic Motivators.  These include; integrity, loyalty, and love.  Conformity and Obedience seemingly, play a role in the young child’s life on how she should react to the factors of a mean girl.  

As a young girl I was victimized as well as my peers being the mean girls.  I can remember my clique being mean to one girl and ripping her to shreds that week for something so stupid. But, literally hurting her emotionally. The next week would be another girl.  It did not make sense to me because it was evil.  

I remember my mother approaching the parent and questioning the daughter what was her problem and what made her so cruel to me.  The mother was too busy with her single life and my mom declares that the girl was marking her territory as a mean girl so no one would pick on her.  Fast forward twenty years later this person has changed and her daughter exhibits some of the traits.  Do these “mean” girls get it from their mommas?  Is there something that clicks and ignites the fuel to be mean?  

This past week I heard three different stories. All of girls being mean. One was four and the four year old told another four year old she was, “Gross”?  Ok, four year olds can change, right?  The mother can look her in the eye and show her the other side of light.  The mother can show her that it isn’t nice to call people names. It’s hurtful and mean.  I know she will change her daughter.  Now, the victims daughter.  What can she do for her?   She can tell her daughter, that what her friend said to her wasn’t very nice and that we should exhibit what Jesus teaches us and that is to forgive and love our neighbors. The mom could be more confident with the little girl so she could see what confidence feels and looks like.


The second mom shared with me that her daughter was buying shoes and the mom suggested a pair of shoes. The girl looked at the mom and said I am not pretty enough to wear those shoes. This breaks my heart.  What in the world is going on with these young women?  Where are they getting these images of what beauty looks like?  

I remember a time when Gabby, my own daughter didn’t have perfect teeth. I remember she was in the fifth grade and she went down to the not so classy neighbor house in Lafayette. Gabby came home crying because the girl told her she was ugly and had buck teeth.  Poor Gabby was so hurt and as a mom I was so pissed off.  I immediately went over to the house along with my friend and we sat with the mom and the little girl and shared with her what she did wrong. I don’t have a clue what this little girl is doing now but, I can tell you this, my now soon, sniff sniff, nineteen year old is gorgeous and confident. I always made sure to put a smile on my face and possess the values of confidence.  I would tell her everyday how beautiful she was and remind her that she is even smarter.  I showed her color is blind and we really should not judge others but be aware.  These are things we can begin at a very young age of the kids.  Even our boys. Look life isn’t easy and as a mom it is so challenging to balance out the hate and kindness that soaks our environment.  As a grown women I have seen other women knock down an other with ugliness and I hate it.  If you are around me and I hear it, I will stop the ugliness before it starts.  I don’t want to partake in being mean.  Beauty is within and we as moms need to teach our daughters and boys these important rules.  If we are aligning and agreeing with others we are diminishing ourselves.  My five year old was bullied last fall. I have never in my life experience such ugliness with boys.  Is that an instinct? Do men or boys need to prove their strength by tearing down another confidences? I am starting to believe it’s true.  The stronger you are, faster, smarter, the most athletic…seriously? What are we instilling and feeding our children. Sounds like some bullshit to me.  

I was bullied as a kid. I was too chunky, I didn’t start puberty until eighth grade. Girls were so mean. They would call me chicken. I had big boobs and skinny legs.  It hurt me and you know what it created the body dysmorphia I still struggle with till this day.  It sucks and I am trying every day to be kind and nice to my body. Does skinny or beauty really define you?  Hell no.  So, what is the solution.  I haven’t figured it out.  But, I will tell you I use these tools with my babies.  I tell them every day how awesome or how handsome they are… I tell them they are amazing beings.  I limit the social media interactions.  

These young children are in front of the leading technology age where young men and women can change the way they look. This signals to their brain they need to change the way they look.  Stop with this crap. 

Instill that they are beautiful inside and out the way they are and if you hear the toxicity come out their mouths, stop it immediately.  I remember crying to my daddy because I was not skinny like some of my friends or I wasn’t as beautiful as my blue eye, blonde hair friend. This is why I had a problem with myself.  He would tell me I was the most beautiful girl in the world at least twice a day.  I loved this and you know what my current husband tells me how beautiful I am.  Make sure to tell your kids this, it’s important their mental health is important.  Suffering with anorexia and having an eating disorder still haunts me to this day.  What I can do now is work on me and tell my sub-conscience and the trauma that occurred in my body that it isn’t true.  Remember environment is everything and as a parent we need to be accountable and stop the hate before it spreads further and will haunt your child for the rest of their lives.  If you hear your child being mean stop it! Explain to them what it would feel if someone told them what they were saying.  If we start being kinder to one another I know we can shift the hate into goodness. That is my rant and I am so tired of hearing about the ugliness all these people are sharing.  To my point I think a community within the family can change the energy of evolutionary theory. Like I said everything is taught at home.

What are you reading or enriching your family to sow?