The One Thing I Never Speak About

I never speak about my eating disorder but, I will begin today.  A long time ago, when I was about seven I was teased about being too heavy on top.  I didn’t really understand what was wrong with me.  

I  was always a happy little girl; I never really looked at my body.  Until I began ballet in Lafayette. I remember crying because I looked in the mirror and saw, I guess what everybody else saw.  A chunky little girl with curly hair. I hated myself that day.  I called my dad to pick me up crying. 

He came and got me and he asked what was wrong?  I explained that all the other girls are so tiny and I am so big. “No Baby! You are perfect. Why would you tell yourself this awful thing?” and my response to him was, “Because I am!”

Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder where the person restricts themselves from eating.  Many people with this disorder have a distorted view of their body.  Anorexia is a terrible thing.  Instead of over eating when I am sad I just flat out will not eat!

Last year, my husband was mobilized to Fort Hood, my daughter was graduating high school, and I had to move to a city where I maybe knew one person.  I was stressed out to the max.  I moved to our new city and my anorexia was at its worst than ever before. 

My new doctor shared with me that if I did not gain ten pounds, that she would have to notify my counselor and possibly commit me into the hospital because I was down to 117 pounds. I was not scared at all. I was scared when I went home and actually looked at my body.  I was so skinny.  My good friend’s mom asked if I was on drugs.  Seriously, DRUGS!?!?!

I was so hurt at the fact that someone thought I was on drugs.  But, even more hurt for someone judging me by my appearance.  I took a deep breath and began helping my own self and recognizing I needed to eat.  

As I drove home from my book signing last week, I thought of a conversation I had with a good friend.  I asked her why she was so skinny. I asked if she was using drugs.  She looked at me and had the same answer a person who suffers from anorexia.  She said I am so FUCKING stressed and the only thing I can control is my weight. I felt so bad that I thought she was using drugs and even worse for questioning her health.  

Instead of thinking the worst of someone, why not ask if they need to talk and provide them with the love or ear they may need.  

This disorder will never go away for me. I struggle everyday overcoming this disorder.  There are times when I hear my stomach grumbling and I ask myself when was the last time I ate. If I hear myself say two days ago I know I need to get things right in my head and not allow myself to get down to 117 pounds.  Yes, I may look awesome to some or I may look too skinny.  It’s my sickness just like it’s my friend’s sickness and she has to do deal with it the best way she can.  The same way I have to create a safe space for my own disorder, it is sometimes the only thing I can control in my environment. It’s ok, for now to take time to do what I have to do in order to get better.