Self-Discovery

Self-discovery is always an interesting concept.  

I am constantly hearing others talk about the ways they are finding themselves. It may not be the way I found my own self but, their ways are so different.

The past two weeks in therapy we talked about complex trauma, which I was recently diagnosed of having.  

Complex PTSD is specific to severe, repetitive trauma that typically happens in childhood, most often abuse.

So check this out: I never was abused as a child. So, what was it then?  Prolonged relationships of domestic violence. How does it occur? Being at someone’s beck and  call, they don’t see any way out as they depend on the person who is breaking down their psyche, pushing their sense of self and affecting the person at a deeper level?  

Having the skills I have now. I knew it was time to break free from all the shame, guilt, resentment, anger, and all those other emotions I had cooped up inside myself.  

I often wondered why I day dreamed so much. There was a reason for my “craziness.”

It’s called interruptions to your own consciousness that result in memory loss, poor recall, flashbacks, and dreams that are traumatic.  

The nightmares I have are all associated with my trauma and now make complete sense in my brain.  

I talk a lot about dreams that I remember and now I know they are associated to my own shit. I don’t have to buy any more dream books. I do however have to fix the open wound inside of me that needs healing.  

You see, we may have a friend who may be struggling.  As friends we try so hard to help and assist our friends to be the best versions of themselves. But, when we are not licensed therapist or have the knowledge to assist this person who is self-sabotaging for other reasons, we should help them seek the best support they can get. 

I am approaching a year of therapy with EMDR with my special therapist and on a level from 1 to 10, 10 being the highest for anxiety and PTSD, I would say I am in a 5 now. 

I have learned that the wounds I have within me are real. That I have damaged my nervous system to the core and it’s my job to make my family and friends aware of my struggles. If no one can identify with what is going on with me, how will they be able to assist me when I am at my last straw? 

When we do not have a large set of tools in our tool box, how can we expect anyone to tackle us as a person.  I know my husband suffers from it too.  Having two people with PTSD is even harder to treat if only one person is choosing the tools and getting the help.  

Why am I writing this blog today?  To educate you on what Complex PTSD is! I know I always say this but, everyone is fighting their own battles.

I will continue to seek therapy to better myself and provide myself with the tools warranted to my recovery because it’s important. 

Next time you have a memory that triggers your conscious identify it and realize it’s not the person next to you that hurt you, it was the other fool that ultimately screwed you up! Everything is not as it appears.

Try to find love and compassion with yourself because you are on a new journey to the new you.  

Anything is possible you just have to be willing to change the patterns and the behaviors you created in your life.  

You can change anything if you are willing to and make it into something beautiful.

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