Dealing with Overwhelm

To be overwhelmed is an understatement in my household. Mother of three aging from 18-5, is a challenging task. I will begin by saying every couple has a role in their household.  My role includes: counselor, mother, taxi cab driver, maid, cook, delegator, lawnwoman, wife, father, and anything else under the sun I didn’t include in the above statement. 

I thought before I married for the third time that being married would change my roles. Boy, I was incorrect. Yesterday, was one of the challenging days I have occurred in a long time.  By choice, we(husband and I) decided that we would switch schools for our youngest as the elementary school was not a fit for him.  The problem was that we live 14 miles from the closest catholic school. This is a thirty minute commute from our home one way.  We also, have our 13 year old son at the local middle public school which is only 1.3 miles from our home but, maybe a five minute drive. 

Since, we have moved here its been challenging on how one would get one to school and the other on time.  My husband is mobilized at Ft. Hood and he took on the responsibility to drive the little one every morning to school since it was on his way.  Well, when new troops come in he is to report earlier which means I have to find an efficient and reliable ride for my eldest son.  Usually, I can get my sweet neighbor to bring him but, when the husband doesn’t remind me of this schedule change all hell breaks out in the house and war begins.  After waking up at the crack of dawn, I wake up the little one bring him in the shower to awaken him.  We rush out of the house with my coffee in the hand.  I tell the little one, “buckle up!” and he does.  We take off to the commute into Austin, Texas.  As we are leaving the house I take a sip of the coffee and look down for a short moment when a deer runs right into my plain sight.  I abruptly, slam on the breaks for my coffee to spill all over my dash.  I smile and say, “What else is possible?”  and brush off the first crappy part of the day.  I hurry into the school to make it on time to drop the little guy off. My stomach is turning and I hurry into the church to use the restroom.  No toilet paper! Seriously, what else is possible?  I wait for someone to come  into the bathroom and I ask for toilet paper.  I race to the car to find a text message from my eldest that he has forgotten his book-sack in my trunk.  I race back to Lago Vista where we live to deliver his stuff.  I head home.  I begin my work and receive another text that he has forgotten his lunch.  My mother who is with me, kindly helps me make his lunch while I take a walk to self medicate myself with nature. 

I am so tired from the frustration that has occurred this morning and take a quick thirty minute power nap.  It’s now 2:00 and I must get into my car to race to the private school in Austin to pick up the little one.  We get him race home and pick up the eldest. I begin working with the little one on sight words while the eldest is preparing for baseball practice.  I receive a text from our business partner that we have a call in twenty minutes.  I call text my husband for him to tell me he must get to the apartment in Gatesville to move his belongings from this place.  All weekend I told him to take care of this shit before the week.  That I needed help on Monday because the little one had his first T-ball practice and I needed help to get the eldest to his baseball practice.  But, does he listen hell no! He is so caught up with his troops and his role in his business that he forgets about the role in his family.  It’s ok because seven years later I am so used to the role I play in this relationship. 

Overwhelming feelings set in.  I call our business partner cancel the call.  I phone the random lady I met the other day at my eldest baseball team and ask if she can help bring him. She kindly sends me her address and off we go into town to drop the first to the stranger and me to handle the first T-Ball practice.  I arrive not knowing where the hell I need to go.  I hadn’t had time to bring the little one to get pants nor cleats for the practice. He starts off at the catching zone where he is talking to his team mates about dogs and is upcoming b-day. The second zone is catching with his coach. My phone begins to ring and its my daughter face-timing me to tell me she may have the flu because she hugged somenone who found out they had the flu.  I am watching and listening while I notice the little one acting the fool and throwing his glove at his coach.  I quickly end the call to run and fuss at the little one.  I enforce to him that he needs to behave and if he doesn’t I will tell his dad. He listens and I sit back down to observe my insane kid and wonder what the parents must think of me and my child. I almost begin to cry because every parent is there with their spouse while my spouse chose to choose to get his belongings the day our son has his first T-ball practice.  We leave practice and I am questioning why Lonnie is the youngest child at practice while everyone is 6 or 7?  I hurry home begin dinner and the eldest text to tell me he is ready to pick up.  I am literally in tears while I run into the car race to pick up the other son and phone my best friend. While she listens to my complaints she says, “gigi, you know I work with all men….. what I have observed is what you are telling me.  I want you to know that you are not alone.  There are thousands of other mothers suffering with these challenges with roles.  I want you to know that you need to be thankful you are not sick nor your children. 

The grass is sure as hell not greenier on the other side!”  I tell her, “I know but, at times I feel so overwhelmed and I want to give up and run away to an island to not deal with all this shit!” and she says, “Yeah but, you can’t and this is your role.  Your husbands role is to work and pay the bills and that is never going to change!”  While, she is correct but, what can I do differently to not feel this way I wondered. I thanked her for the sounded ear and I hang up.  I get home and finish up dinner and feed the boys.  It’s now 9:05 and the husband finally gets home and puts all his shit in the laundry room letting me know its all clean and that I can put up the stuff tomorrow.  I steam over like a tea-pot and lay into him.  He expresses to me that he provides and blah blah blah….that all his friends go out drinking and goes to the games with their friends.  But, he chooses to work! What the fuck every get over yourself and I wash the dishes and go to bed angry!  What could I have done different today as my heart is racing in my bed?  It is so hard being a mom. It is so hard being a military wife.  I question what would allow me to re marry someone who is never available and who is constantly reminding me how he works and provides.  Is not that your job?  I sacrifice so much and I extend my help in so many ways in this family.  I wonder if this will change once the kids are all out of the house.  I really think about the single moms that have no help and wonder if they feel overwhelmed and helpless as I am feeling.  I am so glad today is a new day and I am so exhausted and thinking about going back to sleep. But, I can not because there is work to do.  Here is to another fucking day!  Lord Baby Jesus, HELP ME!!!!